Comedy

Discussion in 'Curley's Pub' started by eyecatcher, Aug 28, 2015.

  1. eyecatcher

    eyecatcher Member

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  2. eyecatcher

    eyecatcher Member

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  3. Nutbush

    Nutbush Lifetime Member

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    FOR MY FELLOW NORWEGIANS​

    Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
    They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

    The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

    There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

    The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

    Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

    "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same.."

    "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

    As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

    Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one
    of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

    The bartender says, "They're retired Norwegians from Stoughton, Wisconsin. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price
     
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  4. Nutbush

    Nutbush Lifetime Member

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    A little hunting joke:

    Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.
    As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin .
    Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to, and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
    "What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.
    "The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.
    "Well, I guess the news could be worse," says Lyle. “Your sister's a plastic surgeon?"
    “Well, not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra, and since all you got is Obamacare, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
     
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  5. kingkoopa

    kingkoopa Member

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  6. eyecatcher

    eyecatcher Member

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    POLITICS
    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is
    Politics?"
    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
    I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
    Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we
    call her the Government.
    We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
    the People.
    The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
    And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now
    think about that and see if it makes sense."
    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
    Dad has said.
    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so
    he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
    severely soiled his diaper.
    So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds
    his mother sound sleep. Not wanting to wake her, he
    goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,
    he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
    with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
    The next morning, the little boy says to his father,
    "Dad, I think
    I understand the concept of politics now."
    The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words
    what you think politics is all about."
    The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the
    Working
    Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People
    are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."
     

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