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Discussion in 'Curley's Pub' started by eyecatcher, Aug 28, 2015.
I miss being a pilot.
Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more,
for old times sake and some hot sex.He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The prostitute replies,
'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.''Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'She says,
'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too.
Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks, "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"
Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"
Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin.
Ve oughta do dis more often."
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"
Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No"
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Nebraska!
My wife has been missing for a week now. The police said to plan for the worst. So I had to go down to Goodwill and get all her clothes back.