Comedy

Discussion in 'Curley's Pub' started by eyecatcher, Aug 28, 2015.

  1. eyecatcher

    eyecatcher Member

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    The "Chicken" Dilemma Thoroughly Reviewed
    DONALD TRUMP: No Mexican chickens will cross the road because we
    will build a wall and will make Mexico pay for it.

    BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear: If the chickens like
    their eggs, they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to
    cross the road to surrender her eggs but must share her eggs with other
    chickens that did not lay any eggs of their own.

    JOHN McCain: My friends, the chicken crossed the road
    because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue
    with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

    HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it
    make why the chicken crossed the road!

    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

    COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can
    clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the
    road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and
    I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for
    it now, and will remain against it.

    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken
    won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side
    of the road before it goes after the problem on the other
    side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid
    he is acting by not taking on his current problems before
    adding any new problems.

    OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having
    problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead
    of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take
    falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR
    so that he can just drive across the road and not live his
    life like the rest of the chickens.

    ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a
    chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access
    to the other side of the road.

    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's
    guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the
    chicken was going. I had a standing order at the
    farmers' market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a
    certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross
    it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why
    it crossed I've not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

    JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you
    people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.’
    Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that
    chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we
    sort out this abomination that the Liberal media
    whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That
    chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
    simple as that.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
    the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
    that was good enough for us.

    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few
    moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the
    heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of
    moulting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world
    crossing roads together, in peace.

    BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2015, which will
    not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents
    and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an
    integral part of e-Chicken2015. This new platform is much more stable and
    will never reboot.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road,
    or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one??????
     
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  2. WatertownPackerFan

    WatertownPackerFan Lifetime Member

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    rofl(
     
  3. wischeez

    wischeez Moderator

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    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? thumbsup
     
  4. realitybytes

    realitybytes Member

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    ross perot: now, you see this pie chart?
     
  5. eyecatcher

    eyecatcher Member

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    Dr. Geezer, an old retired surgeon, became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:
    "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about modern medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
    This is what transpired:
    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
    Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "That's Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
    Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- box 22 is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (but hands him a $10 bill)
    Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
    Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".
     
  6. eyecatcher

    eyecatcher Member

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    How Pumpkin Pie is really made.

    Pumpkin pie.jpg
     
  7. Mark87

    Mark87 Carpe Diem Admin

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    After todays shakeup the Lions have things turned around... epic second half on the way

    [​IMG]
     
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  8. WatertownPackerFan

    WatertownPackerFan Lifetime Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  9. HeartyHops

    HeartyHops Lifetime Member

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    That was especially for Cheesedog! :D
     
  10. Mark87

    Mark87 Carpe Diem Admin

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    LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

    The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
    The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

    Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
    The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

    Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

    Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

    The teacher sat down and cried.
     
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